I had family come down from Atlanta last month and we were all sitting on the beach (I live 10 mins away from a beach) talking about how all these girls we knew from high school pregnant even though we've only been out of high school for a few years now. It made me think about the last time I had my period (April 19th). SHIT! I'm 11 days late. On my way home, I stopped by CVS and picked up some pregnancy tests.
Dave starting jumping up and down with an ecstatic face, laughing, smiling and yelling "I'm a daddy!" when he found out. Immediately, I secretly thought about abortion and adoption. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS. I continued to buy different brands of pregnancy tests, tested myself every 6 hours, all positive. I basically ruined my family's Florida vacation visit to my house by being stressed out and talking about nonsense the entire time. It's funny, in high school debate club, I used to be one out of the only three people in my class that stood for the anti-abortion side. Everyone else was pro-choice. I even made a two hour long powerpoint presentation about the disgusting process of abortion and how wrong it is. Then I get pregnant and BAM everything changes. In the end, I decided to keep the baby because Dave could definitely afford it and he promised to get me two nannies if I kept the baby. I started looking up baby names and imagining what his/her face would look like. I started looking at houses with six bedrooms on real estate websites. I researched crib brands, which diapers worked the best, what not to eat during a pregnancy, how to stop your baby from crying at night, breast feeding tips.
All that stress was for nothing because the next day I started seeing little drops of blood in my panties and bathing suit. I told Dave about it and he said it was implantation bleeding and not to worry about it. Then I started bleeding a lot. It was getting more and more painful. I told Dave I needed to go to the hospital and he said it's normal but I couldn't bare it anymore and drove myself to the hospital that he works at. They took a bunch of tests and my results came in right as Dave finally found my room. I was mad that he didn't listen to me but I was glad to see him. He held my hand as I stared nervously into space. The doctor gave him the results and since Dave is a doctor too, he immediately knew what the numbers meant and left without saying 'good bye' or 'meet you at home'.
I miscarried. I sat there alone in the hospital room, holding back tears, waiting for the nurse to come back with a prescription for pain medication and release forms. As soon as I got in the car and starting bawling my eyes out. I called my mom and told her what happened. I probably sat in the hospital parking lot crying for an hour. When I finally came home, I laid in bed for hours crying quietly to myself as I fell in and out of sleep. I was so stupid for not using birth control. If I did, this wouldn't have happened. It's like, the baby must have known I didn't want it initially so it died because of me. It knew it wouldn't be loved. It knew I would be a bad mother. Dave mostly tried to avoid me for the rest of the night so he wouldn't have to talk about it.
Ever since then, we've lost all romance and intimacy. We used to be really lovey dovey. Now, the few times that we've done it, he had to use viagra to get it up. We've been starting to argue more frequently about stupid things and our conversations are cold. It made me second guess this whole marriage thing.
I started focusing more energy towards doing well in school. Dave and I gave ourselves a bunch of projects to keep our minds off of things, like painting the house, building a brick mailbox, designing a new kitchen. He planned a trip to South Beach next week. Hopefully I can get some shopping done. I have a facial appointment tomorrow. On our way to Miami, we're gonna stop by Palm Beach to check out real estate. I've always wanted to live in the ritzy Palm Beach and Dave has a job offer there. My bestie, Lily booked a three night trip to Cancun- we're going to be staying at La Amada June 27-30th. I'm excited for my upcoming trips to take my mind off of things. Dave and I need a break from each other. I'm currently evaluating our engagement and he's making it hard by being so distant.
